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Nov. 22nd, 2012 05:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cherubstotheright[ Droite leans against a wall, a bit of an exasperated sigh escaping her. No, not exasperated. More... exhausted. Whether or not it's a physical or mental exhaustion, she isn't even entirely sure. Hell, she isn't even sure if she wants to block out the events of the day or not. Should she push it all away and risk a mental breakdown because she isn't confronting the issue? Or should she linger on it, embrace the act she's succumbed herself to do for the sake of ensuring Gauche stays oblivious to everything?
And it pains her, really. It hurts to have to be the one to actually protect him, despite the fact that he... thinks he's the one protecting her. It hurts, but there's nothing she can do about it. Heartland has her by the scruff of her neck, and this is how she has to ensure that Gauche knows nothing.
Carefully, Droite tilts her head to rest her head against the wall as well, eyes slipping shut as she takes a deep breath. She just needs a moment... ]
And it pains her, really. It hurts to have to be the one to actually protect him, despite the fact that he... thinks he's the one protecting her. It hurts, but there's nothing she can do about it. Heartland has her by the scruff of her neck, and this is how she has to ensure that Gauche knows nothing.
Carefully, Droite tilts her head to rest her head against the wall as well, eyes slipping shut as she takes a deep breath. She just needs a moment... ]
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Date: 2012-11-22 10:24 pm (UTC)Kaito doesn't know her well, but he knows that she's also...under Heartland, in the metaphorical sense. So he has some sympathy for her by default.
And it won't hurt, he thinks. She seems as tired as he is.]
...are you all right?
[He keeps a few paces of distance. He...knows how important personal space can be after these things.]
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Date: 2012-11-22 10:53 pm (UTC)Kaito...
[ Droite glances down the hall, then assumes her usual stance, arms over her stomach and fingers gripping her biceps. There are so many things she could say, things she could ask him, but that's too personal too soon, isn't it? She's already peeked into his life, though it'd been years ago. Either way... ]
I... I'll be fine. I think.
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Date: 2012-11-22 11:55 pm (UTC)Was it the first time?
[There's a kind of sympathy in his voice that he's usually very careful not to let out. He thinks he can spare it.
He remembers what the first time was like, for him, how he was useless for the rest of the night, either in bed or curled up in the showers. Heartland had wanted to test him, make sure he would be adequate. But he pushes that out of his mind. He wants to help her, not get caught in his own memories.]
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Date: 2012-11-23 12:13 am (UTC)But Droite pushes that aside and, though hesitant, nods. ]
Yes. I'd thought it wouldn't be so bad to start, but...
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Date: 2012-11-23 12:33 am (UTC)The first time is the worst.
[He looks like he's about to move closer, but he stops himself.]
...I can show you where the showers are, if you want.
[He's glad that this venue has them. Sometimes you need to wash off before you go home, especially with your brother waiting.]
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Date: 2012-11-23 12:52 am (UTC)I'd appreciate it.
[ And while she'd always wanted a conversation between the two of them alone to be... a lot better than this, something that never had this subject involved, she can't help but find herself calmed by his presence. She can actually talk to him about this, but Gauche... Gauche, she can't. He can't ever know. ]
Thank you, Kaito.
1/2
Date: 2012-11-23 01:13 am (UTC)2/2
Date: 2012-11-23 01:20 am (UTC)He tries to keep in step with her. If she moved closer to him on her own, she'll want someone beside her.]
if you need to talk, I can listen.
[And maybe offer advice. He doesn't know what exactly she'd need to tell him, but...he might be able to help.
Then he looks cautiously around the hall, near the ceiling especially.]
...but maybe we should do that outside.
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Date: 2012-11-23 01:34 am (UTC)She allows herself to fall into step next to him, just as quickly letting her own smile fade because as much as it feels nice to do so... it's also exhausting. And her gaze doesn't follow Kaito's at all. She knows, at the very least, where some of the cameras are. There's no need for her to look when she knows there are at least two in the hallway they're in, and most definitely not in any blind spot of either one. ]
I'm not quite sure I should.
[ And she's not sure why she should bother keeping her voice low, but Heartland... should be proud of her, right? There's no need to punish her for anything if she can keep her mouth shut like the good girl he'd molded her to be. But if Kaito looks, there's something in her eyes that the cameras can't quite pick up from that angle (or at least, the cameras she knows of), a look that begs for him to try to find a way to let her get it out so she can feel better about it all. ]
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Date: 2012-11-23 03:19 am (UTC)When she speaks, he shakes his head. He...knows where some of her objections might come from, at least -- Heartland can do that to a person -- but...]
It's important to get air. I know somewhere to go.
[He wants to get away from the cameras too, to be honest. That perpetual feeling of being watched, of having to control your movements because there's always a pair of eyes on you...he could do without that.]
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Date: 2012-11-23 03:31 am (UTC)Anything is better than enduring Heartland's touches, as well as the touches of other customers. ]
Lead the way, then.
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Date: 2012-11-23 04:25 am (UTC)...shower first, maybe. I might need to think.
[He's trying to figure out if it's safe, really. If there's somewhere they can be unseen and unheard. He can't have cameras everywhere, can he...?
They reach the doors to the showers at that moment.]
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Date: 2012-11-23 04:32 am (UTC)Come with me? Just... for the company.
[ Another moment of her hesitating, and she shakes her head once. It really is silly of her, in retrospect. ]
If you're all right with that, that is.
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Date: 2012-11-23 05:19 am (UTC)He looks at the floor for a moment. For some reason the thought of sitting in the room with someone as they shower is strange, to him. Even though there are hardly many taboos in that area he hasn't broken.
But...he nods.]
I understand.
[And he does, really. He understands the need not to be alone.
So when she enters the room, he'll follow her.]
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Date: 2012-11-23 05:45 am (UTC)Well, it's Kaito. But she'll have to get used to this, won't she? She'll have to get used to being undressed in front of lesser men, men whose faces will eventually blur from one to the next to the one after that. She remembers the face of the man from tonight, but he was her first customer, and she imagines it'll be easier to forget them as the time drags on.
As she prepares herself for her shower, she starts to look over her shoulder to see where he is, but stops halfway. ]
What was your first time like?
[ Though the privacy isn't much better than out in the hall, it's something, and she feels as though she can actually ask him something like that. She needs something to compare to, to see if it gets better or worse so she can brace herself properly. She can't break, or Gauche breaks, too. ]
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Date: 2012-11-23 06:41 am (UTC)When she asks that question, he's glad he's sitting down. He takes a deep breath.
He assumes "first time as a five" rather than "first time ever". (That's almost easier to talk about.)]
He had me drugged so I'd want it. Prepared as well.
[That was something he owed him for, later.]
I didn't have to do much, but I came out with bruises. He'd thought I was arrogant. They were hard to explain.
[The words spill out of him in short bursts, a little disconnected, like he's not quite thinking about it, just talking. He can't linger too long on it.]
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Date: 2012-11-23 03:14 pm (UTC)But she continues to listen, and she wants to open her mouth, wants to tell of her experience, wants to point out the fact that she's grateful of her usual wardrobe and now she shows no skin but her hands and face. Instead, there's just one thing she can offer, as lame as it sounds even to her own ears. ]
I'm sorry.
[ Droite bites her lower lip (though it's still sore from a customer biting it a lot earlier) before she forces her head under the stream of water, hoping to get the bone-deep feeling of filth off of her and ignoring the sting of a bruise or two. ]
I thought I'd gotten lucky. He'd been... gentle at first. I let myself believe it would be fine, easy even. [ She pauses enough to step away so she can start cleaning herself, start scrubbing at her skin until she's burning from the friction, because at least it's better than feeling so dirty. ] But I slipped and said one thing wrong, and he... started being a lot rougher than I was prepared for. I don't think it'll bruise too badly, but I... I wasn't as prepared as I thought I was.
[ She wasn't as prepared as she expected because of what she'd gotten from Heartland, and she- He really is kind to her, isn't he? ]
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Date: 2012-11-23 06:52 pm (UTC)When she says she's sorry...he nods, and it helps. To have someone who's heard. So he listens to her as she tells her own story, closely.
When she finishes, he nods, and says (in a voice that might shake a little, or is that just a trick of the tiled walls?)--]
You learn what not to say. It gets to be reflex.
Unless they want you to fight, but...there's less of that for cherubs, I think.
[A short pause.]
...what did you say?
[He says it hesitantly. She doesn't have to answer, but...he wants to help. And, in some perverse way, it helps to know that you're not the only one slipping up and hurting.]
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Date: 2012-11-23 07:52 pm (UTC)It was twice. He started doing something different and I asked him to wait. That's... what started it. I thought he would've been nice enough... [ She pauses and swallows, one of her hands lifting to her neck, fingers moving over the wet skin briefly. ] When he started being rougher, I thought it would've been easier to imagine someone else, to make myself like it a little better.
[ She shakes her head with a shaky sigh. ]
I called him by a name that... wasn't the one he told me.
[ Because his name was definitely far from 'Kaito'. ]
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Date: 2012-11-24 03:52 am (UTC)But then...the other name. Thinking of them as someone else.
He didn't get to use that often, given his customers, but...
Sometimes, in the beginning, he'd do that. Close his eyes and put someone else in their place, even if their voice was different and they weren't tall enough and...
He shakes his head.]
It's best not to think of names, if you can.
[He pauses.]
...but sometimes that's what helps.
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Date: 2012-11-24 04:20 am (UTC)But I'll have to stop eventually, won't I?
[ She's not sure if she really wants to, though. She's not sure if she wants to let go of the other thing that could keep her sane, keep her grounded. Maybe if she pretended it were Gauche inste-- no. Gauche wouldn't want to touch her, anyway, would he? If he knew, he wouldn't... (does that make Heartland her only option for a way to stay anchored?) ]
I should work on that.
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Date: 2012-11-24 05:14 am (UTC)...It might be for the best.
The first time I slipped, it was...
[He grimaces. There's...really no way to pass off "Chris" as a slip of the tongue. (That time had hurt.)
It takes a few moments of staring at his knees before he speaks again.]
It's good to have another way to think, though.
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Date: 2012-11-24 05:35 am (UTC)[ She hopes it's not too farfetched of a thing to ask. He's... been at it for a while, hasn't he? All she's known is dueling with the collars (and the way Heartland had forced her to take pleasure in the pain) up until tonight (or last night?). Droite takes the moment to step out of the shower, immediately reaching out for her towel to start drying herself off.
And she figures Heartland is watching - she knows there's at least one camera in the showers - but doesn't even make the attempt to be paranoid about it. He's seen her entirely before. There's no point in hiding the very assets he seems to favor so much. ]
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Date: 2012-11-24 06:09 am (UTC)He can't lose them. They're what stand between him and Haruto and the void.
He clears his throat and stares down and tries.]
...you have to trick yourself into it.
[Tell yourself lies. That you want it, that you deserve it, that it'll kill you if you can't.
But he can't say any of that, because his throat has closed up and as hard as he tries he can't keep speaking.]
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Date: 2012-11-24 07:18 am (UTC)Not... that there's necessarily anything wrong with what Kaito's doing. She wishes she could save him. She wishes she could take Gauche and Kaito and Haruto and just... run off with them, leave Heartland City, and go past the reach he has. But... well, that's just a useless dream, something she'd given up on a long time ago. ]
... Thank you, Kaito.
[ She starts to get dressed now, still intent on covering every inch of her skin that she can. Not out of shame, but out of decency. Because then no one has to feel as if they have to report something if they see her with marks or light bruises. It's why she'd started to wear such clothes to begin with. ]
You've helped more than you know, I think. But you've always been good at that, haven't you?
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Date: 2012-11-24 10:30 pm (UTC)Thank you.
But I'm not sure what you mean.
[Good at helping people? The only person he really knows he's helping is Haruto. This is...unusual, for him. This is because she's the same.]
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Date: 2012-11-24 10:59 pm (UTC)Droite shakes her head as she smooths out her skirt, then pulls her white jacket on. No wonder he sees her as an angel. ]
Never mind it.
[ She pauses and gathers her things, then slips on her shoes and there's a steady click, click as she walks towards Kaito on the tile. ]
We can leave now, if you'd like.
sobs
Date: 2012-11-25 12:14 am (UTC)But he doesn't. He can't. He doesn't even know he needs to.
(He doesn't even think she would remember that time.)
So he nods. He pulls himself out of the chair.]
Is the park good?
[Where really it means, "do you think it's safe?"]
cackles
Date: 2012-11-25 01:26 am (UTC)It'll do.
[ She makes her way to the doors, pushing one open and holding it open for Kaito once she steps through. It's... a habit, sort of. The times when Heartland doesn't have to be the one to open a door, she always holds it open for him, head lifted to look at him. Though this time, she has to look down, but it's still... reflex. ]
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Date: 2012-11-25 03:29 am (UTC)He gets an uneasy feeling when she does it. Like something's wrong. Like it's wrong, this gesture of strange, almost unfitting respect that she extends to him.
He looks back at her as they head towards the door to the outside.]
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Date: 2012-11-25 04:03 am (UTC)At least with Kaito, she can walk behind him, or beside him. She doesn't have to endure a leer that makes her shiver uncomfortably. But the habit tries to kick in again, but she falters in her steps and lets Kaito leave first so she doesn't slip back into that.
She's trying, at least. And hopes beyond hope that he doesn't hold the door open for her, because she doesn't want to have to brush past him and feel as if it's Heartland being close. It's Kaito. She shouldn't be terrified. ]
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Date: 2012-11-25 05:15 am (UTC)It seems more of a gesture between equals, for them, he thinks. Given the way she held it for him, at least. The way she looked at his face.
(it was heartland, he knows it but he doesn't want to think about it)
He takes a deep breath, once he's outside. At least the air is clean in Heartland City.]
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Date: 2012-11-25 05:23 am (UTC)As she makes it outside, she releases a sigh to expel the lingering filth within her before inhaling the fresh air. ]
It's always nice to get out.
[ It's a bit of an awkward statement, considering the tension in the air, but at least it's something. ]